Being Bipolar: Depression triggered by a toxic workplace?

After the surprisingly strong typhoon Quina, who hit Signal #3 here in our province of Batangas. It also gave me a reason not to “show up” at work for a couple of days (we also lost electricity FYI)

I guess I’ll begin my story with this quote.

A toxic boss can wreak havoc on your mental health, and no job is worth paying that price

As you all know, I’m a working single-mom juggling multiple jobs to support myself, and the needs of my son Geof. Recently, I got hired for a potentially great company with good pay. Unfortunately, weeks after, I’ve been tormented with nightmares when I sleep, and dreadful torture when I’m at work during the day. I think this is also the reason why my depression was triggered. So yeah, manic phase over, depression phase on T_T

Now mind you, I have a high tolerance for pain and suffering. I suffered abandonment and trauma to somehow give me thick skin. But no skin is thick enough for this boss. He is terrifying. An absolute narcissist and gaslighter who’ll never admit to his fault. Try to act nice occasionally and make promises he really can’t keep. 

Imagine having a toxic relationship, but instead of a boyfriend, he’s your boss.

What makes a toxic boss?

A bad or “toxic” boss is one who you dread speaking with, the leader who makes you feel small or insignificant, the arrogant, irritable, or inflexible manager, or the boss who has the ability to instantly suck the life and enjoyment from employees by simply entering the room.

(source: https://lucasselect.com/are-you-the-victim-of-a-toxic-boss/)

A toxic manager can make a whole team feel angry, dejected, cautious and uninterested in the jobs they are doing. This all has a massive impact on productivity, team cohesion and the development of new ideas. A bad boss can have a serious impact on employee mental health. (https://theundercoverrecruiter.com/weed-out-toxic-managers/)

Dilemma: Should you stay or leave?

I won’t dig into many details as I am scared he might be reading my blog. So I won’t dare name him nor the company I am working for. The thing is, I also spent days thinking if I should stay because I need the salary, or leave because I need to save my sanity. As someone who’s already struggling with a mental disorder (Bipolar-1), I don’t need the additional load. Even someone who has a healthy brain might go crazy working with a manager like that.

The thing is, I also spent days thinking if I should stay because I need the salary, or leave because I need to save my sanity

You would probably ask me “If you knew he was toxic why work for him?“. Just like a bad relationship, the person in me “thought he would change“. 

If you dread going to work every day, if you feel physically or mentally unsafe at work, if you spend more time thinking about your boss than your work, if stress from work permeates the rest of your life, if your self-esteem has plummeted, it’s time to go. You must give yourself permission to make a career change — to let go of hope that things will get better and to overcome the fear of quitting. (Source: https://hbr.org/2018/09/what-to-do-when-you-have-a-bad-boss)

Everything and everyone is replaceable

Just like how I’m easily replaceable in my company, I can also search for a new one, but it will take great effort on my part. So I’m praying to all the gods in the universes to guide me in the right direction. Sometimes you need to follow your gut. And right now my gut is saying to LEAVE. NOW. No one deserves to be treated badly, no matter how many $$$ they pay you. 

This is more like a letter to self than a blog. But I hope if anyone is reading my story, and you can relate. No one deserves any form of abuse. Choose YOURSELF first. Always. The rest will follow.